Defending the Damned by Kevin A. Davis highlights the inner workings of the public defenders of Cook County. When I initially picked it up I thought it was going to focus on the various cases that the public defenders have to deal with, drug dealers, muggers, stuff like that, but Defending the Damned is focused on the public defenders on the Murder Task Force. Oh shit. The book doesn’t pull any punches, there are a lot of gruesome details and a lot of people who committed terrible atrocities, stuff that might be upsetting for people of a more sensitive nature. So how doe does one go about defending people who murder? That’s what this book is about. If I didn’t live in Chicago I wouldn’t believe some of the stuff in this book, from the abhorrent crimes to the colorful characters that populate the pages, but I do and I remember hearing about some of the cases. Defending the Damned uses the trial of a suspected cop killer from beginning to end to show the workings of the PDs, in order to springboard onto other examples of other cases that the department has had to deal with in the past. It’s some crazy shit. I was pleasantly surprised that it was such a good read, I was expecting a lot of descriptions of bureaucracy and dreary law; however, the book is well written and it grabs on to you and will linger with you, but like I said it is an unflinching look into a world most people are (hopefully) unaware of. One would think that the PDs would hate their jobs, but it’s quite the opposite, for many it is a driving force in their lives, and they put in a lot of effort to do the job to the best of their capacity despite the colossal pressures of the job. But these people aren’t having to put up with purse snatchers, at the time public defenders had to deal with the death penalty, which was abolished in 2011, so there was that to deal with. Defending the Damned is a fascinating book, good for anyone who has an interest in law, true crime, and of course, Chicago.
Now coming on the stage, a very funny guy, from the Ebony Tower of the Bone Ash Mountains, the Dark Lord Angor! “Whoa hey good to be here. Have you ever noticed how your most bumbling guards always have the night patrol, and how they always seem to be carrying around all of the keys to the citadel? Every time I level a village I make sure all the children are also dead, so that way none of them grow up after swearing vengeance upon me, I have a no child left behind policy. You there, what do you do and where are you from? Ah a Blood Crystal miner from Darkwood. That’s in the south, right? Have you ever noticed how slave laborers from the south writhe under the whip like this, but slave laborers from the north writhe under the whip like THIS? I don’t know about you, but I always seem to misplace my Dagger of K’oomtaht. But then I always seem to find it already hilt deep in the chest of the sacrificial victim, and boy is my face is always red when I realize it! Why aren’t any of you laughing? Guards! Kill them all. Yes the mc too, make sure he gets the arrow through the head gag.”
Ever since I was a little kid I’ve been fascinated by cryptids and the world of cryptozoology. The world is so full of weird and wonderful creatures, from chameleons that fit on the tip of your thumb, to whales with hearts as big as a Volkswagen, why not Nessie or Mothman? One of the most iconic monsters is of course Bigfoot. Bigfoot, yeti, sasquatch, yowie, Koosh Taa Kaa whatever name you refer it by, this creature is beloved by millions. But you know who are by far Bigfoot’s biggest fans? Children. A few years ago I read that a lot of kids write letters to Bigfoot, which sadly go unanswered as 1. Bigfoot has no fixed address 2. Unlike children’s letters to Santa, no one even tries to write back. So I got a p.o. box, an old typewriter (the idea that a BF would spend their time hunched over a laptop seemed preposterous to me, plus typewriters are heartier and much more repairable than a computers), and spread the word. I wasn’t expecting a lot of letters, but I was overwhelmed at the response. As a result I’ve collected thousands of letters from kids writing to Bigfoot. Here’s one from Jenny Petroski, from Jersey City NJ:
Dear Mr or Ms Squatch,
Hi! I think you are really neat. What do you eat? Someone told me you eat bugs which is gross. Do you like hamburgers? I like cheeseburgers. – Sincerely Jenny P.
One from Tommy Kennedy of Tulsa OK:
What do you call a group of you? Is it bigfeet? That sounds dumb. You should call of group of you a bewildering. – Sincerely Tommy
It’s not just kids from the U.S.A., children from all over the world write to bigfoot! Here’s one from Azuloas Zigmantas, all the way from Lithuania!:
Good Sir Bigfoot,
In Lithuania I play basketball. I say you play basketball but my best friend says you play soccer, since your feet would give you a key advantage. Please, sir, help us end this debate. – Your friend – Azuloas p.s. Do you know Shaq?
OK, this is all well and good, you say, but where are the responses. For that you’ll have to buy the book. That’s right, I’m getting a book on the shelves! Coming out in 2018 from Kadokawa publishing: Children’s Letters to Bigfoot! I’ve already worked out the details with the estate of Bigfoot, so everything is smooth sailing from here on in. In fact, there’s already a modest bidding war for the movie rights, and the off Broadway musical is will premier simultaneously alongside the book. I can’t wait to finally leave my literally footprint on the world. All of this thanks to an iconic creature and the children, how I loathe them.
Edit: I can’t believe so many people didn’t know Bigfoot was dead. He died in a boating accident 19 years ago. Granted bigfoot was in no way a qualified sea captain, but he had gumption dammit. I’ll link the obituary later.
Recently I’ve seen this image flying around twitter
(See the full, beautiful, size at foodrepublic.com)
The real order should be:
I’ve never had a potato tornado, but now that’s all I want, despite knowing that after getting it I will just go back to wanting something else to fill the void inside that can’t really be filled by any amount of potatoes. Everyone would be happier if our contentment hinged on getting a good amount of fried potatoes, but that’s not the way things work! Such is life.