we’ll castrate the fucker

So the Cubs are doing what they do best now, and by that I mean raising up everyone’s hopes and dashing them to ground so fast that it breaks the speed of sound. When they beat the Pirates for the wild card slot, one of my coworkers, a lifelong southsider and Sox fan, said “They’re going all the way.” I said no way, but later on that night one of the local channels interviewed a 101 year old Cubs fan and I thought, oh fuck. Even later I saw a Pittsburgh cop slam a man in some sort of goat headdress and I thought, oh god, there it goes, a literal scapegoat. But as for right now it’s all been for naught, as the Cubs are imploding. Fine with me, it’ll just prove me right.

A customer came into the store today and was curt to the guy working the cash register. Later my coworker mentioned how rude that guy was.  “Well we can look up his loyalty card, get his address from there, then we’ll break into his house in the middle of night and terrorize him. It’ll be great. We gotta stop by target first, they’re selling these gorilla suits you see, bright neon ones, it’s a great visual. We’ll put on some classical music and slap him around a bit. When he asks what we want we’ll say nothing  and we’ll castrate the fucker, like a dog, a common dog. But we gotta keep him alive, that way on the news, you know how they always put a caption under people, ‘witness’ or whatever, but it’ll say ‘castrated.’ Later on, around christmas, we’ll send him his dick, we’ll keep it on ice, but it’ll be wearing a little Santa Claus hat, a fucking beard made out of felt. The note will say ‘Happy Holidays motherfucker.’ To top it off we’ll glue some googly to his cut off dick. It. Will. Be. Hilarious.” And then I laughed for 2 solid minutes.

I got food poisoning last week. I do not recommend it at all.

Ah, it’s raining now, perfect.

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