Star Wars Episode 7. Basically it’s about some plucky heroes, both orphans, who find a droid that they gotta get back to its base. Of course an evil, not empire, league (I guess. They go by the name of The First Order, which does have a nice quasi fascists ring to it) also wants that marketable adorable robot as well. When they get toe droid to its home base the Resistance find out about TFO’s massive weapon. Of course people have bad feelings about this since this XXXXXXXXL WMD is seemingly invincible, but luckily our heroes have an ace up their sleeve. Anyway, shit gets blown up real good, lightsabers are brandished, and the music swells up and for a few seconds it’s like being a kid again. There are all sorts of things that Star Wars fans like, exciting air battles, spaceships, a bar scene, orphans, familial intrigue, and shit getting blown up. So you’re totally out of luck if you want talk about trade embargoes and have a hankering for racists CGI characters.

The movie is pretty good. There’s not too many wink wink nudge nudge moments, and when they are done they work well. The movie is almost too fast, stuff comes at you a mile a minute, but hey it worked for Star Trek. But the speed that story comes at you takes away from any emotional weight that might have been there if it slowed down. The sfx look really good, I remember JJ Abrams being all like “PRACTICAL SFX!” And it’s hard to tell what’s cgi from what’s practical, which is awesome. The whole movie looks cool, everything about it is cool. My biggest complaint is that it wasn’t loud enough, but that probably more of an issue of where I saw it than the movie itself. And you know how much I like SW sound effects! Just for that I’ll probably go watch it somewhere louder. One of my favorite things about the movie is that it’s humorous without being cheesy. There aren’t a lot of space battles, most of the x wing vs tie fighter stuff takes place on planets, which is fine. Of course I didn’t see it in 3D because 3D is just a cash grab, I don’t care what anyone says. If Godzilla can’t convince me 3D is worth it, what will? Yeah, the old crew show up, but most of the focus is on the new kids, which I didn’t mind at all. Hell, even R2D2 is reduced to a cameo role. There’s some pretty good action all around with some delicious moments of what the French call, “that was fucking awesome.”

The only time I got misty eyed through the whole thing was at very beginning. You know, “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…” Mainly because it reminded me of how long I’ve been watching these movies for and how old I am. Every time I see those blue letters I get a little shudder of anticipation. I know I’m going to see some ridiculous escapists shit, weird beings, space ships, swords made out of goddamn lasers!  But when I was watching ep 7 I couldn’t help but thinking that every new character, whether it be some sort of deathsquad member, stormtrooper with slightly more pockets, denizen of the bar, or First Order officer was another action figure, and every space ship, base, and hideout another lego set, every blaster, lightsaber, and mask, yet more life size toys. When one of my acquaintances brought up the question of why they would release ep 8 during xmas time I didn’t hesitate to answer with one word, “Marketing.” “What?” “Yeah. Everyone is going to get Star Wars crap for xmas bro.” Just walking into a Target or what have you can see how much SW crap there is, it’s almost overwhelming, how the fuck is a collector supposed to keep up with it? It made ep 7 feel like a commercial.

Still. Episode 7. It’s Star Wars alright, but more. You know BB 8 was designed for maximum cuteness, from its sad boops to the way it rolls around in a space ship while our heroes try to escape the goons, it’s fucking adorable. Oh you like orphans chock full of moxie? Now you get two! The Death Star is the size of a moon sure, but now there’s one that’s as big as a goddamn planet! It blows up 4 times the amount of planets in the same period of time! (Ooh you know someone felt that disturbance in the force!) Okay, maybe a couple of those are large moons, but whatever. Bobba Fett is dead, but here’s Cpt Phasma! THIS LIGHTSABER HAS 3 BLADES. It’s not the greatest movie in the world, but it’s one of the greatest marketing achievements of all time, in fact, based upon how many kids I saw there along with their SW fan parents (it was almost touching), it’s creating a whole segment of the population that will continue to buy Star Wars stuff for the rest of their lives. It threw a couple of curveballs my way, but I totally called that bigger Deathstar.

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