one of the conjoined twins is evil

The store I work at is closing so I get a bunch of people coming in all day asking if the store is closing, because apparently those big yellow signs that read “Store Closing” are just some kind of gag. Of course there are also signs that say 1/2 off everywhere and so I get lots of people asking if stuff is half off. Then I get people asking what’s going in the spot, these are the things I have told them:

  1. Artisan water bar
  2. Boutique for teacup dogs
  3. Tiny Home Depot
    A. As in a small HD
    B. As in a HD for midgets
  4. A brick and mortar Netflix
  5. A cutlery store that only sells high end versions of hybrid things, like sporks and chives(knives/chopsticks)
  6. An edgy new clothing store, Make America Great Again Apparel
  7. Chance the Rapper themed candy store
  8.  Vegan dry cleaner
  9. A skin lightening salon (“To compete with the tanning salon next door”)
  10. A place that sells competitive racing hamsters and accessories (“Whoa really?” “Yeah! Petsmart’s hamsters are too slow to run with these guys!”)

I usually come clean and let them know that I’m not sure what’s going into the spot. Well… maybe 70 percent of the time. But then they say something along the lines of, “I’m so sad the store is closing.” So I say, “Not as sad as me losing my job. And my girlfriend is pregnant with triplets. And each triplet has a different father. And one of the triplets is a conjoined twin, so it’s like 4 kids. And the conjoined twin, one of them is evil.” Luckily for my hope in humanity way less people fall for this one. If someone ever asks me how I can tell that one of the conjoined twins is evil I’ll tell them that we can see the goatee on the ultrasound.

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