I was listening to this earlier because I find it terribly amusing. You hear that shrill flute? Well it’s actually an Alphonsefone, which is a nose flute that was invented by St. Alphonse back in the 5th century c.e. But in order to be an authentic Alphonsefone one had to have the mouthpiece chewed by Turkish Chinchilla, which was know as Sultan’s Rat back then. Of course most people couldn’t afford them so they just used regular rats and that’s how the plague spread. The Turkish Chinchilla went extinct because back then they thought its tears could cure the plague, so people would mock it unmercifully and its poor little heart couldn’t take the savage roastings and they all died of grief. When will we learn?
About a month ago a guy with his kid was in the store. The kid said “Is there anything smaller than atoms?” The guy said, “Nope.” I had to interject, because the children need to know about quantum physics, “Of course there’s smaller stuff than atoms, there’s electrons, protons, and neutrons.” The kid asked what those were made out of, and because the children need to know the truth, I said, “I’m not sure. I think they call them quarks, but I don’t know what those are.” See, you come into a local store and you get all sorts of stuff thrown at you. Today I learned that quarks are made up of “Up” and “Down.” Which to me translates as off and on, just like fucking binary. What’s the mental version of hyperventilation? Well that’s what happened earlier and I can feel the Dread creeping up on me now just thinking about THAT. Anyway I eventually got to work and didn’t have to deal with pondering the nature of reality, and I didn’t run into anyone who would appreciate that kind of thing all day long. “Here’s your paint, anything else? No? OK great. But, hey, get this: what if they whole universe is just a simulation? Wouldn’t that be some wild shit?!”
That my pillow guy, Mike, is such a fucking creep. I wonder how many people he killed by smothering with a pillow before realizing that he needed a good strong pillow that the victim couldn’t chew through.In the ads they say that he tried “every pillow out there.” Every pillow? That’s a lot of fucking pillows. I bet there’s a room full of just those anime girl pillows in his house. And then the ad makes the claim that the pillow will adjust for you whatever need. What if you just need to be held while you silently cry at night, I doubt it will adjust for that. That’s what we need: not a pillow that adjust, but instead a pillow for the maladjusted. I saw an interview with the Mike, he was at a Donnie T rally, wearing a giant cross that looks like it came from a vintage Black Sabbath photo, and was totally fucking wired as a octopus marionette. I just want to tell him that speed has killed better infomercial spokesmen than him (this post goes out to Billy Mays. I like to imagine that he’s up there, not looking down on us, but yelling at angels to buy some wacky shit.)