Bigfoot’s biggest fans

Ever since I was a little kid I’ve been fascinated by cryptids and the world of cryptozoology. The world is so full of weird and wonderful creatures, from chameleons that fit on the tip of your thumb, to whales with hearts as big as a Volkswagen, why not Nessie or Mothman? One of the most iconic monsters is of course Bigfoot. Bigfoot, yeti, sasquatch, yowie,  Koosh Taa Kaa whatever name you refer it by, this creature is beloved by millions. But you know who are by far Bigfoot’s biggest fans? Children. A few years ago I read that a lot of kids write letters to Bigfoot, which sadly go unanswered as 1. Bigfoot has no fixed address 2. Unlike children’s letters to Santa, no one even tries to write back. So I got a p.o. box, an old typewriter (the idea that a BF would spend their time hunched over a laptop seemed preposterous to me, plus typewriters are heartier and much more repairable than a computers), and spread the word. I wasn’t expecting a lot of letters, but I was overwhelmed at the response. As a result I’ve collected thousands of letters from kids writing to Bigfoot. Here’s one from Jenny Petroski, from Jersey City NJ:

Dear Mr or Ms Squatch,
Hi! I think you are really neat. What do you eat? Someone told me you eat bugs which is gross. Do you like hamburgers? I like cheeseburgers. – Sincerely Jenny P.

One from Tommy Kennedy of Tulsa OK:

Dear Bigfoot,
What do you call a group of you? Is it bigfeet? That sounds dumb. You should call of group of you a bewildering. – Sincerely Tommy

It’s not just kids from the U.S.A., children from all over the world write to bigfoot! Here’s one from Azuloas Zigmantas, all the way from Lithuania!:

Good Sir Bigfoot,
In Lithuania I play basketball. I say you play basketball but my best friend says you play soccer, since your feet would give you a key advantage. Please, sir, help us end this debate. – Your friend – Azuloas p.s. Do you know Shaq?

OK, this is all well and good, you say, but where are the responses. For that you’ll have to buy the book. That’s right, I’m getting a book on the shelves! Coming out in 2018 from Kadokawa publishing: Children’s Letters to Bigfoot! I’ve already worked out the details with the estate of Bigfoot, so everything is smooth sailing from here on in. In fact, there’s already a modest bidding war for the movie rights, and the off Broadway musical is will premier simultaneously alongside the book. I can’t wait to finally leave my literally footprint on the world. All of this thanks to an iconic creature and the children, how I loathe them.

Edit: I can’t believe so many people didn’t know Bigfoot was dead. He died in a boating accident 19 years ago. Granted bigfoot was in no way a qualified sea captain, but he had gumption dammit. I’ll link the obituary later.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in books, haha, humor, outre and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s